If you’re mourning the loss of your mom, or if your mom is fighting a devastating illness, or if personal heartbreak clouds your celebration of this special day, can you still experience joy wherever you are? I have a few suggestions for you to consider. I know this subject can be very difficult, and my intention is to open your mind to a few things you may not have considered. I’m also going to share a personal confession with you, so please keep reading.

Experiencing joy in the face of your circumstance may require special effort on your part, but I think a positive outcome is often possible. You begin with your thoughts.

No matter where you are or what you’ve been through, you always have reasons to be thankful. Start here. When you’re able to open your heart to gratitude, everything around you (and often within you) takes on a different attitude.

Regardless of your situation or reason, if you’re not able to honor your mom on Mother’s Day, think about another person (or people) you can celebrate. Maybe this person is your daughter, an aunt, a good friend, a grandchild. Perhaps you’ll just spend some time on Mother’s Day with someone you love, regardless of whether you’re actually celebrating their special day. The day itself is an opportunity to be with someone you care about and do something you enjoy. What you do can be low key—it doesn’t have to be a big ‘to do.’

If you happen to be in the midst of a personal circumstance where you simply cannot muster the energy or mindset to celebrate the day, give yourself some grace! Here’s my confession. Mother’s Day falls about two weeks after my husband died—and the year that he died, a good friend invited me to go with her family, including her in-laws whom I liked very much, for a Mother’s Day brunch. Normally, I would have accepted immediately. I was very grateful for her thoughtful invitation, but that year, being with other people so soon (even for a wonderful occasion) was more than I could handle. I just couldn’t! So if this is where you are this year—gracefully decline, do something more quiet, be kind to yourself, and don’t feel guilty about it!

I do urge you to avoid isolation, even though being alone may seem easier. Just be selective about your companion(s) and choose someone you genuinely enjoy being around. Don’t forget about gratitude. And be sure to do something that nurtures your soul.

I hope you’ll find at least one reason to be joyful, regardless of where you are or what you’re going through. Prove to yourself that joy and grief can live together …

© 2013 Judy Brizendine
Photo © fotofrenze

Related reading:
•  We Can Carry Grief and Joy Together
•  The Space Between Joy and Grief
•  Grief / Joy
•  Memories Are Our Joy in Grief

The post Mother’s Day — Can Joy and Grief Live Together? appeared first on Stunned By Grief.

Last week brought terror and heartache to people across our country, but our collective pain and grief are only a shadow of the pain and grief felt by victims whose lives were directly touched by the tragedies in Boston, MA and West, TX.  My heart aches for each of these people and their families … for the way their lives have been forever changed and for the unbelievable pain they face over the next weeks, months, and years as they work through their grief and learn to accept (and adjust to) the changes inflicted on their lives because of their losses.  When tragedy and grief devastate you, what do you do?

I watched videos of the events as they unfolded, and read news accounts of people who were injured or killed, and I couldn’t help but think that these events being reported were about more than news stories.  These reports reflected life stories of each person involved.  This news wasn’t about statistics, or theories, or philosophies, or abstract ideas.  This ‘news’ was and is about real individuals—each and every one.  It’s about real tears.  It’s about mothers, fathers, parents, children, and friends who have real, individual names.  It’s about their feelings.  Each person now faces the challenges of his or her new reality, along with the need (which may be unrecognized at first) to understand grief, so their healing is possible.

Tragedy Changes Your World
Instantly, tragedy changes your world.  You’ll be stunned, over and over, at the way everything completely changes from one instant to the next.  The transition from life to death happens in an instant.  If you’ve ever been with someone when they die, you know.  Such changes are nearly impossible to comprehend.

Grief touches all parts of you—and affects you emotionally, physically, mentally, relationally and spiritually.  Grief’s effects reach into all parts of your life in ways you never expected until you face it yourself.

Unbelievable and overwhelming things happen that test your resolve and shock you to the core.  You wonder if life can get any tougher than this.  How do you keep on going after confronting a heartbreaking, traumatic, unexpected turn of events?  What makes the difference between giving up and fighting on?

We are human beings, not superhuman beings, and our emotions run deep.  Life is about relationships, and when we care deeply, we do not just shake off a tragedy and keep right on going as before.  Your first inclination may be to strike back, to get angry, to question why this awful thing happened to you.  You may wonder how in the world you can go on.  As first reactions, none of these feelings are unexpected.  However, for your own sake and for your loved ones, please don’t allow yourself to dwell on these initial responses.  Don’t stay there.

Planting a Seed
I believe with my whole heart that if you plant a seed in your mind early on that you will do whatever you have to do to work through your grief and not allow your tragedy to make you bitter—you will gain the strength to keep on pulling yourself up and facing your loss straight on.  Will you waver?  Most likely.  When you’re exhausted, sad, and discouraged, you’ll probably stumble.  But instead of staying down, you’ll remember where you want to go—and why—and this resolve will help you to carry on.  I remember the exact place and time when I made my decision, and I’m convinced this early decision kept me going when I was tempted to give up … and even when I wanted to give up.  I believe the same will be true for you.

My heart breaks for each and every victim of these horrific tragedies.  One was an accident.  The pain is every bit as strong and real for the victims in Texas—yet the bombings in Boston were planned.  The killing and maiming didn’t have to happen.  I cannot imagine having so much hatred in your heart that you callously and indifferently disrespect the lives of innocent human beings and willfully hurt them.  I’m so sad that there are people in the world who feel this way.  It’s hard to understand those feelings.

But we live in an incredible country here in America.  When tragic things happen, and times get especially rough, our people pull together, stand together, and help one another.  We pray for each other.  And we help in tangible ways.  Thank God!  Thank God for this priceless blessing.

Hope for Your Future
Tony Robbins made a statement that directly relates to the importance of your decisions about how you’ll cope with loss.  Robbins said, “Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives.”

Tragedy and grief are devastating.  But they don’t have to get the best of you.  There is a way through.  Don’t try to go through grief all by yourself.  Allow people you trust to help you.  And never underestimate the importance of your mindset.  Your life can be good again.

You can work your way through grief.  Believe you can …

© 2013 Judy Brizendine

Related articles:
•  Letting Love Win:  Coping with Fear, Anger, Grief and Despair in the Wake of Tragedy
•  When Grief Seems Insignificant by Comparison

The post When Tragedy and Grief Devastate You, What Do You Do? appeared first on Stunned By Grief.

I would venture to say that nearly everyone going through grief has questioned (at one time or other) whether they would ever reach a happy life again. I’m here to say that healing is available for everyone who really wants it.

Some people may disagree with me. If so, I’d like to hear from you. I believe healing from grief is available to everyone who decides to do what is necessary—to take the steps that lead to healing. Some situations of loss are certainly more challenging to cope with and work through, but I still believe healing is possible.

Healing won’t come to you. You have to decide to walk through.

Here are a few questions for you to ask:

• Do you feel alone? Doesn’t anyone understand?
• Do people treat you differently now?
• Are you afraid and uncertain about the future?
• Are you confused, distracted, unfocused?
• Are ‘Why?’ questions holding you prisoner?
• Are you on an emotional roller coaster? Angry for illogical reasons?

If you answered ‘yes’ to a number of these questions, and you’ve suffered a major loss, you’re probably grieving.

The hopeful news is that there’s a way through.

Take the time to learn about grief. Find out what to do.

Make the decision and act.

Healing is available—but you have to do something about it. Healing doesn’t come to you. You go there.

© 2013 Judy Brizendine

Related articles for additional reading:
•  http://therapyevanston.com/2013/02/the-fatigue-of-grief/
•  http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/freedom-grieve/201209/organize-your-emotional-shelf-grieving
•  http://www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm
•  http://www.opentohope.com/transitions-how-to-recapture-the-drive/

The post Is Grief Healing Possible for Everyone? appeared first on Stunned By Grief.

I will say, without a doubt, that grief is one of the most difficult experiences any of us will face in life. The idea of taking a break from grief does not in any way minimize or make light of its intense pain, effects, or significance. I recognize the deep and complex impact of grief that follows loss. In fact, its fierce and powerful characteristics are exactly why we need to take a break from grief.

Stop and think. The grieving process is not quick. Its pain is piercing and invades all parts of your life. How long can anyone stand this kind of intensity and penetrating focus without a break?

We all need moments, activities, and experiences to break away and recharge, refresh, restore, revive, and renew ourselves for the journey ahead. Taking a break from grief helps you regain physical strength, emotional courage and determination, and the necessary hope so you can ‘keep on keeping on’ through your grief journey.

Taking a break from grief will surely mean different things to different people. Taking a break is one of the most respectful things you can do for yourself and your journey. You’re actually equipping yourself to carry on and not give up before your grief work is done. Hello Grief posted an article called “Finding a Balance: Self Care Quiz” that helps grievers realize how important it is to take care of themselves while they’re grieving—and gauge how they’re doing. I don’t think self-care and maintaining a positive balance are ideas grievers typically consider.

I know you can’t just turn grief on and off like flipping a switch—but, in time, you can step back from its full force and allow yourself to focus on a diversion. When you’re grieving, grief affects everything around you, but I think that’s the key to taking a break. Push grief from center stage to the background for a time.

Taking a break may mean a change of scenery, a ‘vacation’ away from home. It may mean losing yourself in a book, a movie, or a play. It may mean an enjoyable time with a friend. It may mean an escape into a hobby that consumes your attention and creativity. It may mean spending time and getting caught up in the laughter and wonder of a child or grandchild. It may mean a long-needed rest for your weary mind and body, getting a massage, or visiting a spa retreat.

Whatever you decide, take a break from grief that is meaningful and tailored just for you! Think about what you need and how a particular break will serve you best.

I’d love to hear about your experience. I hope you’ll share your thoughts with me.

© 2013 Judy Brizendine

Related article:

• Physical Reactions to Loss

The post Is It Possible to Take a Break from Grief? appeared first on Stunned By Grief.

Some names for the faces of grief may be:

•  Friend / Companion
•  Enemy
•  Fear-provoking
•  Adversary
•  A stranger
•  Complicated
•  Confusing
•  Overwhelming
•  A blessing
•  Hope
•  Challenging
•  Defining / Shaping
•  Love

Which face of grief is staring back at you today? Was the face different last week or last month? Last year?

Grief never ceases to amaze me in the way it can tie you into a hundred knots, completely change your life, overtake everything—and then take on the face of something totally unexpected.

What’s even more amazing is that grief carries the possibility of transforming what may have been your most difficult and painful experience into something within you that becomes a blessing—or enables you to be a blessing. Go figure! Years ago, I never thought that kind of change would be possible.

What has been your experience? Have you seen your grief change shape and transform into something unexpected? Have you noticed an ever-changing landscape?

Your grief may have worn all of the faces listed above, or others. The faces change throughout your journey. All of the faces are real. All are valid. They’re your faces of grief. What’s important is how you shape the landscape as you move forward.

The choices are yours. What you do with your grief is up to you.

As you go full-circle through the grieving process, what dominant face is on your grief as you emerge? I can honestly say that now, years after my loss, hope is on the face of my grief! Hope wasn’t always there, but thank God, it’s there now. I wish the same for you.

© 2013 Judy Brizendine

Photograph courtesy of Jon Kreider

Related article for additional reading:

•  Gratitude and Grief: Healing Ideas from Paul Bennett’s Loving Grief  (written by Elaine Mansfield)

The post The Many Faces of Grief appeared first on Stunned By Grief.

Everything factors into the way we see ourselves and the world around us. We hardly notice certain things while others produce life-altering effects. That’s what I’m talking about here — the life-altering effects — and whatever creates them! So the question is: “What defines your life?”

I explored this topic last year, and it seemed to generate so much attention that I decided to revisit it and delve a little deeper.

Pause and think about your own life. What would you single out as the major influences that define who you are as a person — and where you’re heading with your future plans?

Think about anything that has shaped you as a person or powered a new direction in your life, and then take an inventory. Some possibilities to consider are:

• Life-threatening illness
• Disability
• Accident
• Death/loss/grief
• Marriage/divorce
• Children/grandchildren
• Spiritual experience/beliefs
• Teacher/special mentor
• Career/business
• Volunteering
• Achieving important personal goal

You’ll notice that the list is filled with positive as well as challenging and devastating possibilities. Positive life-altering effects can just as readily come from tragedy and pain as from a source that is essentially good. Grief and loss are perfect examples. The statement, “Out of your deepest pain comes your greatest gift,” is often true with grief.

Think about your values, beliefs, goals, and personal attributes. Think about your mission and where you’re headed. And consider the most important influences that drive you. Sometimes your greatest strengths also come out of your most powerful challenges, and you never would have discovered the strengths had you not faced the test.

In Khaled Hosseini’s novel Kite Runner, the author begins the first chapter with a captivating thought: “I became what I am today at the age of twelve, on a frigid overcast day in the winter of 1974.” Hosseini went on to describe in specific detail an event that produced lifelong implications. What would you write in response to the phrase: “I became what I am today …” What defines your life?

I hope you’ll take your life experiences and use them to become a better person — and to turn your world into a better place. Be an inspiration!

Somebody somewhere needs to see where you’ve been and how you’ve overcome obstacles — so they can gain the confidence to step out and step up.

We need each other …

© 2013 Judy Brizendine

The post What Defines Your Life? — an Experience, Person, Achievement, or Something Like Grief appeared first on Stunned By Grief.

You’re probably thinking, “I don’t even know what a ‘grief’ umbrella is”—and you’re asking me, “What color is your ‘grief’ umbrella?” Let’s work through this idea together …

Grief is a mystery and a shock when you first meet up with it. Nothing you’ve ever seen, read, or thought about grief prepares you for its reality. Just like death—when death steals someone you love away—a staggering realization hits your senses that your life has changed and it will never be the same again. That’s the way grief is, too. And when grief shows up, trust me, you’ll need ‘grief’ umbrellas.

You may not be able to actually prepare yourself for the way grief touches and influences your life, but that doesn’t mean there’s nothing helpful you can do. Think of the ‘umbrellas’ you need—for support, protection, reassurance, well-being. Different people need different umbrellas, and there’s no one-size-fits-all for everyone.

Grief tests everything within and around you. It’s like an earthquake, a volcano, a tornado, and a tidal wave all wrapped up into one! No wonder grief is too hard to face alone. You may want and need a ‘God’ umbrella or a friend who shares your spiritual beliefs to support you. You may need an ‘umbrella’ of others who are facing grief in their lives, too, so you feel understood. You may need an umbrella of good, solid resources to help you figure things out for yourself. You may need a ‘listening’ umbrella—someone who cares enough to just be there and listen, reassure, and love you! Some umbrellas are temporary, and others are built to be around for a long time. You probably need both. And maybe you need something entirely different—a unique umbrella to fit a special need you have …

Choose your umbrellas well! Everyone needs protection, shelter, support, and strength. Choose more than one. In fact, make yours a tailor-made collection of umbrellas to encourage and empower you on your healing journey.

Rely on your personal ‘grief’ umbrellas to help you gradually unwrap your own story of hope.

© 2013 Judy Brizendine

The post What Color Is Your ‘Grief’ Umbrella? appeared first on Stunned By Grief.

I sensed life through a new lens this Christmas. As adults, I think we often tend to become jaded over the years—a bit cynical; less than enthusiastic about things that excited us before; and sometimes we end up just going through the motions of holidays, celebrations, and even our everyday lives.

This Christmas, I peeked at life through the eyes of a six-month-old baby grandson! I re-experienced the pure joy that flashed into his eyes when I did something silly to make him laugh. I saw his wonder at ordinary things like strolling through a store and seeing new sights. I felt his unquestioning trust.

Just watch little kids. They have the right idea! They can have just as much fun with an empty box or a wooden spoon and pan as a new expensive toy. Their eyes light up when they recognize someone. They laugh at the tiniest urging. New, interesting sights, objects, and activities captivate them. Our little grandson recently discovered his hands—and we caught him gazing at them as though they were the most interesting wonders in the world. He was mesmerized as he watched his fingers move and turned his hands in all directions!

Children live in a world of trust, joy and wonder. They don’t hold grudges or make judgments. If they get upset about something, in the twinkle of an eye they’ve already forgotten what upset them and moved on. They clean their slates continuously and automatically. They don’t dwell on the negative. They constantly look ahead to whatever is next.

God says that to find him, we must become like little children. Trusting, sincere, receptive. There must be something very important in this message about ‘becoming like little children.’ I think we can learn much about living and living well from these babes.

One of my goals for 2013 is to try more and more to see things through the eyes of a child. How about you?

© 2013 Judy Brizendine

(Photo courtesy of office.microsoft.com)

The post Hope, Trust, Joy and Wonder — Wisdom from Babes appeared first on Stunned By Grief.

I kept thinking about the tragedy last week in Newtown, CT, especially since just a few of days ago marked the first day of funerals for those who were gunned down. I couldn’t get those families out of my mind … nor the words of the poem.

We are all connected. We are not alone. And when something so tragic happens to one of us, our hearts are all affected.

We grieve for the unspeakable loss so many are facing, both now and in the days ahead. We realize that these losses could just as readily have been our own.

We want to reach out and show our love, compassion, sympathy, and concern. It’s important for those who are directly affected to realize that we do care – and that they are not alone.

Truly, no man is an island. In the family of man, we are all connected. And when someone dies, the symbolic bell rings for each of us. I think it’s a reminder to reach out, to allow ourselves to feel in the most human ways, and to demonstrate love to our fellow man.

In life, in death, and in grief — we are not alone. We have each other, and more than anything, we have a God who cares more than we know.

© 2012 Judy Brizendine

The post We Are not Alone — the Bell Tolls for Each of Us appeared first on Stunned By Grief.

This time of year should be joyful, hopeful, exciting, and filled with anticipation. But when you’re grieving, the holidays often produce feelings of dread instead of happy expectation. If you’re grieving, what are you supposed to do? Are you doomed to an anxiety-ridden season?

Nothing will happen automatically. But can you do anything to make things better? I think you can.

I’m going to suggest something to you that may seem forced, unnatural. Try to set those feelings aside and focus instead on what it is that you’re trying to do. You’re doing your best to stay hopeful.

Whatever it takes for you to smile, to feel like standing up on the inside—do it!

As an example, look at the photo of these whimsical chairs. Can you look at it and keep from smiling? It’s playful. The images and colors are happy ones. I couldn’t keep from smiling when I saw them all lined up together—and that’s why I had to capture the scene. I knew I’d come back later and smile at it again and again.

Here’s another one. This little guy (his name is Max) makes me smile every day. Actually, he’s not so little. He’s about seventeen pounds of all-boy, in contrast to his lightweight, princess-like sister. He’s precious. He’s funny and loving. And he’s a character—full of personality and charm and mischief. We’re always trying to figure out what kind of trouble he’s going to get into next!

What makes you smile? What keeps you going?

Bob Hope once said, “I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable.”

Who or what causes you to stick up for hopefulness? If you don’t have a reason, I hope you’ll look around until you find at least one. Moments of laughter give you much-needed relief and help to keep hope alive.

Hopefulness is worth sticking up for, especially during this season that is so challenging for anyone who is grieving. This year, you may not want to do all the holiday things you typically do, or participate in all of your usual family traditions. If you don’t feel up to doing certain things—then don’t! But be careful to keep from completely isolating yourself and allowing yourself to sink into hopelessness.

Look for something to grab hold of, something or someone to put a smile on your face. Treat yourself with extraordinary care! Graciously say ‘no’ when you need to—and refuse to feel guilty about your response. ‘No’ is not permanent. Just be sure to find something you can say ‘yes’ to this year.

Decide to stick up for hopefulness, especially during grief. It’s worth sticking up for!

© 2012 Judy Brizendine

The post Stick Up for Hopefulness, Especially During Grief appeared first on Stunned By Grief.

Judy Brizendine was interviewed today by Anna Banks for a special show about dealing with grief during the holidays – on the program “Living Fully After 40™ Radio.

Anna also wrote an article for her Living Fully After 40™ Blog today (December 12) about Judy, her STUNNED by Grief books, and the challenges of grief and the holidays.

This time of year, which we normally greet with excitement and anticipation, is extremely difficult for anyone who has experienced the death of a loved one or other types of deep losses. Instead of joy, someone who is grieving most likely is experiencing feelings of dread, anxiety, a lack of energy, loneliness, and an overall sense of being overwhelmed. However, there are things you can do to make your holiday season more manageable—and to carve out moments of  joy in the midst of your grief.  You’ll find suggestions to help you cope with grief during the holidays in Judy’s guest blog article, ‘5 Ideas to Ease Holiday Anxiety During Grief,’ written for the Journeys Through Grief Newsletter.

Check out Anna’s blog to read the article about Judy (as well as a host of other articles dealing with issues we all face) whether or not we are past the age of 40!

(Photo courtesy of office.microsoft.com)

The post Coping with Grief During the Holidays appeared first on Stunned By Grief.

I’m very honored to be guest blogging today for the Journeys Through Grief Newsletter!

I hope you’ll check out the article and share it with your friends, family, and people you know.

People everywhere are experiencing all types of loss—and the holiday season is especially difficult for anyone who is grieving.  This article provides some ideas you may not have considered to ease holiday anxiety during grief. Perhaps by sharing this resource, you’ll be offering help to someone who really needs it now.

We all need hope. And we all need help at certain times.

Just click on the link here to read: Journeys Through Grief Newsletter

(Photo courtesy of office.microsoft.com)

The post 5 Ideas to Ease Holiday Anxiety During Grief appeared first on Stunned By Grief.

Everyone’s grief is uniquely his or her own. Each experience is different, just as each person, personality, past, circumstance, and everything about an individual is unique.

Sometimes, certain issue(s) override everything else as you face your loss—and these issues can become the rocks that block your progression toward healing. Different circumstances will force particular issues to the forefront, issues that are somehow attached to, or emerge from your loss. Some examples are isolation; fear; anger; guilt;  ‘Why?’ questions; victor/ victim; and “Do I really want to get well?”

In facing my own loss, flashpoint issues took me by surprise, either because they were so contrary to my own personality—or because I was shocked that they showed up as part of my grief.

Eventually, I had to decide whether to keep allowing these things to seize control and drive my behavior, or face and work through them so I could keep moving forward. Perhaps you have faced surprises, or undesired responses in yourself. As I understood more about grief, I learned to make practical decisions and take positive action.

You may be as surprised as I was to feel an overwhelming sense of isolation after my loss. I suppose if you consider all of the changes a loved one’s death or another major loss brings to your life, it’s reasonable to expect you’d feel isolated.

• Have you felt disconnected from nearly everything and everyone?
• Do you think no one really understands how you feel?
• Have you felt as though you don’t belong anywhere?

Isolation? It’s not a place anyone wants to settle. If you stay there, you won’t heal.

Being a victim is another ‘flashpoint’ issue. When a serious loss occurs, sometimes you are so devastated that you accept the victim role, at least at first. For a time, you are powerless. If you’re unable to make decisions, or take action, then someone else has to take over those roles for you. You can’t be held responsible. A victim is helpless.

Certain situations are so overwhelming that you may be immobilized initially. This is understandable. However, at some point, to reach healing everyone must make a decision to take the difficult but necessary steps. One griever shared with me later in her grieving journey that she had been a victim—because she mistakenly thought that by being a victim, she could somehow hold on to her husband who had died. She finally realized that this attitude only prolonged her pain.

Tied closely to the victim/victor role is the question, ‘Do I really want to get well?’ Realize that this is not a question anyone will consider at the beginning of their grief journey. However, it’s an important question—and the answer determines your future.

A turning point normally comes for everyone in their grief journey. You have to decide whether to stay where you are—or do whatever it takes to get better—because you truly want to start living again. You’ll reach a point where you’re tired of being in pain, and you just want to enjoy life again. Yes, you really do want to get well! That decision is an important step in the rest of your journey.

Think about your own situation and where you are in the grieving process. Ask yourself if something is standing in your way and blocking your path. If so, decide that healing from grief is your priority—and vow to do whatever is necessary to reclaim your life and your future.

© 2012 Judy Brizendine

The post Grief Under Fire: Get Past ‘Flashpoint’ Issues to Reach Healing appeared first on Stunned By Grief.

I recently watched a drug intervention program on television. A young woman seriously addicted to heroin talked about two things in her life that had caused her tremendous pain: her father abandoned the family when she was very young, and her mother was not regularly present to take care of her and her sister. Later on, she also lost a relationship with the only true love of her life. Her main goal now is to escape from her ever-present pain by doing whatever she has to do to obtain the money to stay high on drugs. She said she doesn’t want to feel anything. Do you think the root of her problem could be grief that she never faced?

Another person’s story was recently profiled on the television show ‘Hoarders.’ Hoarding has consumed this woman’s life, and her situation is desperate. When the interviewer asked her when this behavior started, she said, “Right after my two children died.” He then asked her how long ago that was, and she answered, “Eighteen years ago.” Could the root of her escalating problem be unresolved grief following the deaths of her children?

Examples of other significant losses that may be related to grief, but not readily identified with it are:

• Job, career, financial resources, or your home
• Loss of your dream
• Relationship(s)
• Health or mobility
• Abuse, betrayal, or neglect

Since grief is the process we use to work through and release what we have lost—any meaningful loss sets us up for grieving. When we avoid grief, its effects linger indefinitely and hurt us until we cope with those feelings in a healthy way.

Problems arise when we fail to connect grief to our experience, and instead of facing it positively, we try to avoid the grief and pain by:

• Medicating
• Burying
• Ignoring
• Making excuses
• And nearly any other kind of avoidance behavior you can think of

Unresolved grief is serious and harmful, and it will not just go away on its own. Unhealed wounds turn into obstacles, and they keep us from living healthy, satisfied lives.

Grief is not your enemy. If you choose, grief is the way to healing, renewal, and restoration. It’s the pathway to comfort and peace—and the road back to a sense of well-being.

I challenge you to examine yourself and consider whether you may be harboring unresolved grief in certain areas of your life.

Remember why grief is so important. How you’ve handled grief in your own life is directly related to your health and happiness.

© 2012 Judy Brizendine

For additional reading:
“The Only Way Out Is Through,” by Robin Amos Kahn (article appearing in The Huffington Post)

The post My Life Feels Out of Control — Is Grief a Factor? appeared first on Stunned By Grief.

You’ve just been overwhelmed by a major loss. You feel powerless. You’re in agonizing pain. You don’t know what to do or think. And I’m urging you to choose to grieve. What do I mean?

At first, your pain will spread to nearly everything you see, think, and feel. Your thinking will likely be impaired and unfocused, and your concentration reduced. You won’t be in a position to consider and make logical decisions right away. However, don’t be overly concerned. This fuzzy state of mind will improve.

Your initial state of shock and disbelief is your body’s way of protecting you. Your loss is too difficult to absorb all at once, so your body and mind seem to enter into an ‘autopilot’ state. You’re able to function in a basic way, but at the same time, your body protects you from grasping all that is happening within and around you. Reality will hit soon enough.

Your grief time frame will be unique to you. Everyone progresses differently. The way you respond to grief and the amount of time you need depend on you. A number of factors work together to affect your grief experience, and some of them are your personality; gender; background and upbringing; support system; ability to adapt to change; and attitude.

Until some of your shock has faded and reality has started to settle in, the idea of choosing to grieve will not occur to you. You’re just trying to get through the day. However, at some point (and it’s different for everyone) you’ll begin to realize that you don’t want to stay where you are—and that getting yourself out of that place requires decisions and actions on your part.

When you reach the place where you realize you must take some steps to face your grief and work through it—because it won’t just go away on its own—you’ve hit a turning point. This is the time to decide to follow the actions that move you toward healing. This is what I mean by the words, ‘Be good to yourself — and choose to grieve.’

Ask yourself some questions. Do you need to find a way to move through your pain? Do you want peace in your life? Do you want to start living again? Do you want your future to be satisfying once again? Do you want to bring something good out of one of the most painful experiences of your life? Do you want to move forward in a positive way?

I hope you’ll choose to grieve. Grieving is the way to healing.

© 2012 Judy Brizendine

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